Middle of the exam.

Somehow I think of this blog and I wonder how safe is it to post again. I mean a while after I let go of this corner and come back here few months again, for me it's just like years, the old smell of this ambitious young boy is still there, still hold his wood and climbing to the hill. It means something to me, something I can't express. It feels like going home, like a little secret box hidden under the beach for many years, and it is now open.

Every time I look back here, it reminds me of how many other corners I have already started, and wasted, and let die. It should be the best one, I thought I had put so much afford on this before it dies. The address is still on my favorite bar in Safari, almost every when I am done for the emails, facebook or other stuffs, I will click into this website unconsciously. Even though I know nothing's new, I did came here anyhow.

This was a corner of my happiness, now it is the corner of tear. I didn't really cry though.

They called the exam highly tensed, but I doubted. Now I can say no words, but exhausted. Black out. 4 subjects left, with the last one ends on 14th. I could be one of the hard time in my life.

I want to sleep, coz' I need power and keep my brain running smoothly.
I hate sleeping, coz' it transforms myself into another world full of darkness.
I can't escape every time it comes, I just hope it won't come to real life.
But what's real, what's illusion.
I could answer the darkness is usually real, sweet things in dreams.
That's the way of life, common to the world.

Now I let die of facebook, I quit. Life is a game full of consequences, and costs a lot sometimes. No one knows surely where is the cause and where is the consequence, we guess and discuss. One ends will follow by another revives, just like the blog and the facebook thing. Ha ha, it is just a coincidence I guess.

I feel pressure from all around,
I feel sadness and hateful burning inside my eyes somehow.
Maybe I need time to calm down,
Maybe I need fire to push myself on and let go.

I want fast forward, and I want to pause whenever I like.
I lost and time won.
And now,
I lose again and dream wins.
Later,
I would lose a bit more.

Leaving fear and darkness inside me,
like putting a young boy in the center of the sea.
Calling for help, but no one hears.

Sometimes it is not that no one really cares about you, but there is a gap between. You'll feel that your situations or some unexpressed emotions should be concerned, and that only you can help yourself to figure out the answer. The truth is. But you will never let go of something you think it's important, or something that annoys you a lot. Even if you have decided to forget all of it, your brain doesn't let you to. Why? Because it is devil, devil will make you forget something you don't want to. You don't want to forget something sweet and happy, a warm little childhood or great greatest memories. But no, devil erases it all the time. Guess what? It remains those aren't suppose to be there. Your lost, failure, wrong concepts, revenge, criminals, those are fully recognized. And the best thing is, you will never ever forget one piece of it. Great huh?

Let me share one bit of my experience to my little sweet sweet dairy.
People in darkness have no hope, basically nothing to worry about. Of course, the definition of freedom or others like aims and meaning of life between Light and Darkness is quite different. But then when you are inside darkness, you will be different, live different and it changes you a lot. No matter when you think, you do, you speak and your spirit inside your eyes, all of them will be a total different person. Living in real world would be like acting in movie - if you are developing this inside your mind without starting to act it out- like two-sided man with no control. Just like what Primal Fear shows us, "... I.. I... lo... lost..... I lost time..." Being in between Aaron and Roy, that's what people in black be like, and people turned bright would have in mind.

Hope is one of the greatest and worst thing. You turn yourself really high. You turn yourself extra down.

Hope set you requirement. It makes you work harder and harder for better result, better life.
Hope ruin your life. As you keep hoping anything could happen and mislead yourself of how rare the chance is. Or maybe sometime you think will be a very low-chance that could happen, "hope" rules.

So, the other thing is winning, is hope.