Lost of freedom

I always have too many things I wanted to do, but then I can see those things that restrict me to give it a try. As I wanted to go, but I could never really doing it. After those years, I found myself still standing at this certain point, and never really left far from the start. Then I started to reason myself by saying that I have never made any decision that is convincing enough, or I should say, strong enough. How should I put this? Maybe like saying, I start judging myself before I make a decision or create an idea. For a boy who doesn't do decision making, that's normal he become lost. For a boy who is used to wear anything that was told, it's normal to have no sense of fashion either. Its like asking Siri to comment on Steve Jobs, the programmer didn't teach me how to answer, should I just print out He is the Hero, or just say he needs some more hair... No one has ever given any feedback, so I never really speak out, never really need others to know. Until time to time, when I made an obvious move, that was when people started to notice and ask me for reasons, reasons that were already happened to meet a certain answer. People doubt on my aspects of life, people doubt on the programmers if they know what they're doing on their designs, it's the same thing.

To many of us, a new year could mean a new start or a new beginning to almost everything. Firework so loud and light and noise and thousands of whatsapp messages... Buying new things, setting new year plan, writing reports and proposals, declaring... Just like the outfit of the Porsche 911, it will never change, never a better look, never a different way of making it. I am not saying it is ugly, in fact, it looks absolutely a piece of art, as I have grown up old enough to start adoring the shape of it. What I am saying is that, if it is how a Porsche 911 looks, it would be how it looks, no need to cheat us that it changed its shape, no need to add things on it. This is its character, old classic. Though, people don't like old, people don't like vintage. We like new cars, new luxuries, and have given up treasuring old stuffs long time ago.

My writings are no doubt a mess. Of all my ideas are suggested without elaborate, it feels a bit symbolic, and it stops really sudden.

(To someone)

Though you are being yourself as always,

your eyes and smile are different from those days

While leaves fall every autumn, our paths go different,

it won't feel the same, even if we revisit the same place

The magic

those fairies

an innocent believes now ruined

Crapped

buried

under this damned city now smirking

What the past won't change

what the future you approaching

what your faithful heart still having

please take special caring

Let the past be the memory

with a bit disappointing, I am sure you won't read me.