Time for a walk

Of course I am not that kind of guy who just stay at home, really to die of hunger. Watching television or clicking computers, living in this indoor for the rest of my life isn't my style anyway. There is a place just like some sort of safe house, coz' we will go back there from time to time. We don't have any reason why going there, maybe we want to compare the difference between time to time. 

The Park Island

A brief information on this island is that a new tourists visiting point has been born since almost last year. Especially people believing or doubtful about God, they all come to visit the 1:1 model of the ancient Noah's Ark. No, I have never went into that ark and I have no pictures about it, sorry. But when you compare with a year and a half before, you will figure out how some of those irresponsible visitors left their unwanted footprint behind. It was one of the most beautiful night, the night I first visited and knew about this island. The grand event has its own backside story behind, and that's what I could experience on my own, even though I may not have the entire story.

Lamma Island

An island full of little delivery vans. With even more bicycles passing on the road that is already so narrow, it could be a trouble to walk fast somehow. A beach which is quite far but clean enough to make you feel worth to go. Junctions that could easily lead you to some villages and watch people chatting and eventually you have to walk back. Other than that, it is a great place to go after all. A nice little island that is not yet been ruined intrusively.

How embarrassing to say that I was born in Hong Kong and telling you that I have just been to Lamma for the first time of my life. So I waited the unpredictable weather for days, like the lucky draw starts every night, whether I can go outside a bit far away from home on the next day.

Yes, I have a lot more photos and I am not gonna post them all here. And I admit that I could have so much more to talk about if it is another sweet blog, which I planned to set up later these days. No, not everyone would be interested I believe, so I try to keep this blog neutral okay?

I take it a yes then~

unspecified article

Every once in a while I sat on my bed, wondering how well my day was. It could be an imagination of exaggerated achievements, day-dream with a confusion starting but ends with a grand perfect cadence. It works great to insomnia if you suffer from great mental pressures. No chemical reaction, just a little arrogant. This kind of short bedtime story has been practiced very often over years, almost unconsciously. It becomes the sleeping pills of mine.

Without this kind of imagination, my life would be entirely changed. I could hardly imagine how it trashes my life and tears my body into two ends, I don't feel good in this case after all.

The subject is then slowly changed from absolute day-dreaming to making real life planning. This sleeping pill works in both ways, it could also lead to insomnia accidentally. I could spend the rest of the night, constructing the aims and the ways until I was satisfied.

To do or not to do, that will be the question... of tomorrow..

It could be a nightmare that won't last long, Freddy is waiting you to sleep so he can have a big meal. In short, you don't want to sleep even if you can. Since your mind keep yourself in black mood. You are afraid of bad dreams maybe. Maybe it's because you can't set the story ends peacefully; or you can't finish your dream work planning satisfyingly; or you just had a terrifying illusion, even you know it couldn't be true, theoretically unacceptable with scientific evidence. 

Mostly, it's just that you have a bad mood.

Someone says weather is related to us. Apparently it narrow our activities, or even dreams. In this case, it is the tone color of us. When the expired date of our little earth getting closer, with these numerous occurrence of hazards. It's not difficult to know my inner world, but it could be hard to predict. 

Mostly, it's just that you have already found someone you really care about, something very little being magnified.

Or when you are worrying if someone would give you a call, telling you about some shocking news that nearly stop your heartbeat for quite a few seconds. You will start to try this sleeping pills, but seldom not. You should be overloaded to have a over 160 beats in one minute. Yeah, I guess I have this while just sitting on my bed. Maybe it's the waves spread from my phone that affects the result, probably.

Mostly, you might get doubt on something that cause too much fiction. You feel yourself couldn't hold this much longer anymore. With anger being the gasoline, doubt and depression could cause explosion at anytime.

But then,

It is actually a good thing to have this kind of troubles, you find yourself enlightened somehow. Just don't be too arrogant.  A calm down passage would help at always.

Back to the last real trip on hiking, it was about a year and a half. Quite a bit silly for that. When you calm yourself with a glass of clean diluted water, patiently flash back your life from latest to oldest. Look forward to the detail in each picture, capture what you wanted to express that time. If you are not sure, calm yourself even more, feel again...

When you keep starring at the darkness far away, you feel lost, that's where the darkness is looking at you. How you feel the darkness alone, is exactly reflected of how lonely you are. How you feel the darkness awful, means how you hate yourself. And how you are afraid of darkness and how much you wish to hide yourself out of darkness, could also reflect how much you are afraid of loneliness and how much you want to escape from this reality. Theoretically correct from my opinion, without any scientific proves.

You trust someone close to you

This stands quite strong for me, and I think most of all absolutely agree with this. What turns out to me is the fact that it has the diagram of a mountain shape curve. There is a peak that you are 100% trust to someone not the closest to you. Strange. It could happen between mother and son. It depends. I believe the statement itself is absolutely correct, it's how we crashed our societies by breaking this kind of statements so widely.

We should work hard on how to change back the attitude back to normal and healthy

I have been talking about dark and light for a year at least. What I can observe is I couldn't really transform myself back to 100% sunshine like before, I guess it is what they called life experience. I thought I am so lucky to survive under this battle field, I hope I could stop people from entering their own mind war. Surprisingly my recovery had lead to a problem, maybe it was me that lead to the war II really to start. I hope I could stop... 

Life experiences is a single-man self-improvement, no one can get involved.

I know you can do it!

where

sometimes this could mean nothing to me, and i couldn't find this useful. it's a list of typer record.

yet it shows one person's all

try look back to your tiny little articles,
separate to a sweet memory or a pathetic tragedy
don't cheat,
it seems showing yourself
if you are telling the truth

people hide feelings
somehow we all hide all anger and depress
it's the law

we actually don't understand each other,
coz' we don't forgive, coz' we don't let go

it's our weakness, devil's favorite
we are controlled, and we can't escape

a nightmare lasts long
we can't say

laugh all the night
with tears and keep muted,
just don't wake others

if you say life is a road
then once in a while you would drive back to the junction
that you've already faced
and it comes back
or maybe it will come back
it depends

same mistake, happened twice or more
same memory, recalled twice could be bored
it also depends

intercept, that's what everything ends

Time remote

It is interesting to find out the way to control time. I guess everyone in here want to try out how, but no one knows. Sometimes I am just fear of the word time, coz' this seems to be my lifetime enemy. This is what I think of time and I hope for a flash back, maybe to the beginning of life.

It reminds me the Butterfly Effect, which scares me to look back. Some sort of encouraging me not to regret what I did, coz' they might be the best I could do. Everyone grows by every minute, so the learning to living is keep processing in every single second. It could be exciting to me, and every once in a while I feel sadness.

I hope I could go back to few checkpoints in my life, most of them are some starting point of somethings. I guess if I'm flashing back to primary, my violin will be much mature. How about secondary, it was when I turned quite differently. But those people I know might have disappeared in my mind, vanished. So places I would have never been to, never experienced. That could be horrible then...

What about a fast forward, that's what I wished to have when I was way younger. Maybe I want it now, still... A closer year would be my 18, that would become a slightly difference in physical but not for social. I guess I would grow a lot mentally, I just hope I would. The next checkpoint, 21, the whole step to the world that is full of joy (with lots of pain and depression, also dangerous enough to ruin anyone's life). Seems like able to control my life, I mean almost. I feel I can't control the whole part, somehow I feel that I can't be free, always...

Time is just time, it has no life.
I hope I can forget all of my regret, I want to forget past..
but I can't..
Hope... this word comes again

Middle of the exam. (2)

What I learnt from American History X, isn't how Edward Norton quit his life of standing against the black. For me, I find out how difficult it is to forgive others, at least to stop the mind of revenge. The way he killed two blacks was quite horrible but I feel quite natural, there is no exaggerate. The film also tells you that what your past could greatly affect you, and let you analysis what kind of person are you. Are you being like Derek that would never listen to others and stand strong until you had a really hard lesson? Or you would like to be Danny that would quickly change his mind to the right path before serious trouble?

After you realize what kind of person are you, then? I find myself unchanged somehow, after watching many many touching or meaningful film, then? So? Maybe this is nature, that you can never change, or get use to another lifestyle. We let Hannibal returns his nature, and how about ourselves? We do, and we do not. Sometimes we feel like something is wrong, but we will still do it. Why? Nature.

Another film from Norton, Illusionist, also remains me some feels. I was totally trapped in his circle, I wonder why, and I really like the story line. Then I wonder how people lie to each other, or simply hide their instant feeling and say something which doesn't mean anything. People act, not just actors do. We act, in this reality, in the circumstance that everyone have their own masks. We will put up our own masks. Only those we called Insane, they will never hide the real face, though sometimes they will coz' they are good at it. But the thing is everyone want others truth, but they would like to hide something and don't let them know. This is how the word Privacy creates.

I am in depress. Disappointing to myself that I have to write in this corner, that I have to show the face in this corner. It is not that I don't want to show the real emotions, not that I don't want to talk about my feelings and thoughts. It just that the environment and timing not allow. And most importantly, the response of my listener I concern about. The way I present myself maybe one of my weakness. And the point-of-view of the listener is also different. Better person to talk about should be someone not involved in any ways, and of course a more reliable and conscious person. But they are more of less the same. Sometimes I feel like I have a normal ways of thoughts in something, and sometimes not.

Now, if you ask me how I feel right now.
I would say...
I am angry, depress
I am release, controlled
I am pissed, I am calm
...

Everyone would have two sounds inside his head, yes and no.
For those who have extreme two-sided personalities or more.
Those sounds are more clear, and more annoying.
That's what I am experiencing, I believe.

Middle of the exam.

Somehow I think of this blog and I wonder how safe is it to post again. I mean a while after I let go of this corner and come back here few months again, for me it's just like years, the old smell of this ambitious young boy is still there, still hold his wood and climbing to the hill. It means something to me, something I can't express. It feels like going home, like a little secret box hidden under the beach for many years, and it is now open.

Every time I look back here, it reminds me of how many other corners I have already started, and wasted, and let die. It should be the best one, I thought I had put so much afford on this before it dies. The address is still on my favorite bar in Safari, almost every when I am done for the emails, facebook or other stuffs, I will click into this website unconsciously. Even though I know nothing's new, I did came here anyhow.

This was a corner of my happiness, now it is the corner of tear. I didn't really cry though.

They called the exam highly tensed, but I doubted. Now I can say no words, but exhausted. Black out. 4 subjects left, with the last one ends on 14th. I could be one of the hard time in my life.

I want to sleep, coz' I need power and keep my brain running smoothly.
I hate sleeping, coz' it transforms myself into another world full of darkness.
I can't escape every time it comes, I just hope it won't come to real life.
But what's real, what's illusion.
I could answer the darkness is usually real, sweet things in dreams.
That's the way of life, common to the world.

Now I let die of facebook, I quit. Life is a game full of consequences, and costs a lot sometimes. No one knows surely where is the cause and where is the consequence, we guess and discuss. One ends will follow by another revives, just like the blog and the facebook thing. Ha ha, it is just a coincidence I guess.

I feel pressure from all around,
I feel sadness and hateful burning inside my eyes somehow.
Maybe I need time to calm down,
Maybe I need fire to push myself on and let go.

I want fast forward, and I want to pause whenever I like.
I lost and time won.
And now,
I lose again and dream wins.
Later,
I would lose a bit more.

Leaving fear and darkness inside me,
like putting a young boy in the center of the sea.
Calling for help, but no one hears.

Sometimes it is not that no one really cares about you, but there is a gap between. You'll feel that your situations or some unexpressed emotions should be concerned, and that only you can help yourself to figure out the answer. The truth is. But you will never let go of something you think it's important, or something that annoys you a lot. Even if you have decided to forget all of it, your brain doesn't let you to. Why? Because it is devil, devil will make you forget something you don't want to. You don't want to forget something sweet and happy, a warm little childhood or great greatest memories. But no, devil erases it all the time. Guess what? It remains those aren't suppose to be there. Your lost, failure, wrong concepts, revenge, criminals, those are fully recognized. And the best thing is, you will never ever forget one piece of it. Great huh?

Let me share one bit of my experience to my little sweet sweet dairy.
People in darkness have no hope, basically nothing to worry about. Of course, the definition of freedom or others like aims and meaning of life between Light and Darkness is quite different. But then when you are inside darkness, you will be different, live different and it changes you a lot. No matter when you think, you do, you speak and your spirit inside your eyes, all of them will be a total different person. Living in real world would be like acting in movie - if you are developing this inside your mind without starting to act it out- like two-sided man with no control. Just like what Primal Fear shows us, "... I.. I... lo... lost..... I lost time..." Being in between Aaron and Roy, that's what people in black be like, and people turned bright would have in mind.

Hope is one of the greatest and worst thing. You turn yourself really high. You turn yourself extra down.

Hope set you requirement. It makes you work harder and harder for better result, better life.
Hope ruin your life. As you keep hoping anything could happen and mislead yourself of how rare the chance is. Or maybe sometime you think will be a very low-chance that could happen, "hope" rules.

So, the other thing is winning, is hope.