4

In august I met August, a boy with nothing similar to me I thought. We had spent an afternoon together, and I was being an easy man as always. We talked, shared and explored our mind.

Seems familiar

One reason why I put the numbers for the title is that I started to replay my life by checkpoints instead of events which are separated, because sooner or later you would find yourself in a cycle that never end. Something like three years a cycle, just like generation gap.

I looked back and see how people around me would comment on this Sunny. How much they know me and trust me. But this act is like a lab. researching living creatures in space, you would want to know, yet you don't want to face. Like the numbers of convenient store in my neighborhood, it's just too much.

As if I conclude now, I say, the more the person knows me, the more the person hates me, the less the person trust me. Maybe I am just the kind of people you would like to be friend with, you would like what I act, but not what I think. Partly because I am as normal as anyone you can meet, and partly because I was being how you would like me to be at the very beginning.

Now, I would stop saying that I won't let people down. I have to think if having people trusted is a good thing, because even me, I don't trust myself quite well.

Days by days I am running myself quite automatically, like some procedures, like Top Gear show everyday 10am and 12:30am, like traveling to work on this bus every Wednesday. When you in look this way, every laugh and tear became reactions, some results and answers. It's the same thing that when I was young, I saw the warnings in the computer and I thought it would get angry and punish me. It is the same thing I could feel now. Whether this kind of reaction is actually me, or it is just a habit of mine

3

It is like leaving clues for detectors, evidence you need for keep tacking of your life. Like a timeline on the internet, you was born, then you joined twitter or myface or what so ever, you life then start. It started to make sense when you look around your neighbor, you live in a big circle, nothing won't change you one bit.

Even me, the face-to-face communication feels to me lack of comfort. Result is so simple, you write what you think. Because only by this way, people could react after they read the whole thing, that makes me feel safe.

Few months ago, I found someone with an interesting mind I adored. A indifferent mind that works by its own way, the beautiful mind I described it. After that, I realized that I was wrong, and that I felt like I was lying to myself, I am a story teller. After that short while, I thought my doubt was totally wrong. It worked in cycles. Repeating even now.

The second hell, 2012, 19 years old, diploma at school, Poème, Tzigane, Noah, church, Korea, MTR, everywhere I went, everything I saw, reminded me the hell I went through, and the hell I am living in. Not a single day you can take a break, you just can't get out from it. Months past, so what?

Soon I found myself a total failure. Once I thought the smarter I get, the better I live. I wanted to think more and deeper, my plan clearer and far, my mind more open, more aspects to things. I was special, people sometime were amazed by my mind, someone like my way of life, someone would share secrets with me, problems were waiting for me to solve. I was a master, I adored myself, admired my incredible mind.

Now, I become a story teller. Whether if it's right or wrong, only if I like, I have an ability to move your mind one bit. I could easily advice any patient, easily talk to people and often gain their trusts, easily become anything you might like.

This is me, this is hell

A life which I can't judge. A theory that could create by my tongue. A thought that is unstable and unreal. I am confused and lost. The brain swimming in the sea, far away from home.

A side effect of thinking too much
A beautiful mind
See also
A complicated mind

And I met some people(I don't want to disclose anybody, actually I don't want to disclose myself if it isn't necessary), they are quite different to me between one another. They have taught me a lot. I would like to say thank you.

One major philosophy I have now, is that I don't want to change people anymore. Partly because people should have their way to things, partly because I have no idea which is better way anymore. I am no longer the guy knows everything, I am a total failure.

A quick look back

1) Trip to Long Kee under the fire ball
2) Trip through MLT 2 with Shawn and Tim
3) Judo with Timothy, Nelson and Vincent
4) I bought my own 2nd hand road bike!

2

A day of memory
like black friday
like christmas
like your birthday
you just remember
you just stay there and think
and maybe imagine

one time you imagine yourself the hero in Korngold's violin concerto
the romantic hero which totally different from Beethoven's
the passion of young generation
as Renaud Capucon describes that

one time you just stood there like sick or something
you can't move a bit
like hypnotised
like waiting for command
command you might heard from the headset
you might heard from the music
because it stops you from continuing your life

because it is now the only thing keep you living
nothing else
even
today is 20th of July
while no others can't even guess what it suppose to mean

But I know
even in my dream three days ago
I could easily remember
in the happiest dream and the most real one
I saw
I heard
I felt
I touched
until
I wake
until
I found it is not real at all
no matter how you cry
how you want to call help

you can't do anything
you can only help yourself
no one can help you

I
don't have much ability to help myself
nothing I do will help much

But now
at least
for the days, weeks, months
I fell in love that made me crazy
that I won't forget
that I don't want to forget

1

People love sweet dreams

but

what actually is defined when you say sweet dream?

then you would consider

what is dream?

that might be finding differences between reality and dream

it could be...

feelings

which you can see, can hear, can touch

which the object has it's temperature, respond, thoughts

when everything make sense

that's reality

oh no no

time is an important concern

coz' reality consume more from your life

and story continues in some sense

where dream is missing in this case

But

what if you accept that reality is a rather shorter period

what if you accept a lie

accept a dream

a sweet dream

because you can continue your story with your dream

because you can start that new life in your dream

because you can't when you wake up

everything you felt was so real

even you have your emotion

you can think

you can react

it's rather a messed memory rather than a dream

though you know it is new

you won't doubt about it

or

you don't want to?

By that

I am telling you

If it doesn't come true

If I can't die in my dream

I hate sweet dreams

Meaningless travel

Back to Agile
where you find yourself a little bit out of your mind
everything seems familiar
deja vu

It's just another tour between the son and the father, spending time away from home
spending the weekend together
just like old time
just like years ago
it all went back in time

Yet there is more
that one bit draws the whole difference
just like the harmony of the concerto
when you can't really expand the magical moment in the recapitulation
when you can't really expand how I could talk with him like friend
just like old days
just like years ago
only I could listen more this time

A rush to be a grown man
a wish of all boys

A dream to have one complete family
an illusion you thought you would reach

It is almost there
but you will never be there

deja vu
and there is always a bit not the same
just like no water coming out from the tap
just like dead insects lying on somewhere
just like how lonely you feel
just like old days
just like you were wasting time
just like you are killing time

Instead describing as deja vu
memory recalls should be the word coming out
it may not be the exact correct word
but it is the second word I thought of
just like recapitulation in minor key
just like light-motive
just like how people make a cut to Tchaikovsky's music
days of effort becomes a waste to performers
months of effort worths nothing
years of hard working means nothing to us
we thought it was his fault,
he wrote too long and too much repeating stuff
but now I wanted to apologize to him
because I've never thought in his way

deja vu
it could be easier to describe
everything is just like it happened before
but only
I thought it really happened

The bicycle in pink
The video games
The biking area
The ferry
The bus
The snacks in the market
The market
The clubhouse
The photos
The french fries
The breakfast
The sky
The night

deja vu
despite they were actually happened

deja vu
I drew it down
as everyone knows I am no good painter
but I had to
because it will eventually become less detail
but the pain stays

If dream is now, and reality comes during sleep
I am the luckiest man on earth
and if so
someone please wake me up

I hope that before my world comes to an end
this deja vu will eventually come true
set my tears free
let me cry out once more
let me become safe again
save me from the dark once again
let old leaves fall and new leaves grow
let the wind blow away black clouds
let the sea wash away curses
let the sun shines again

and let me sees the light once again

deja vu
also memory
also dream
also regret

My life in the mirror

Have you ever looked into the    mirror?
look at your name inside it
                                          and           
   you find it a bit MORE           comfortable               in that place           

i will be waiting
please don't afraid to come back

127 hours?

Does it look nice?

clannad

treasure what you have now

it will be sunny

meaningless

blank is beauty, it is magic

it is a space for you to look at yourself

an area to release

not necessarily white

no boundaries at always

no descriptions

it could be anything

Lox's Confession

Lox is standing in front of the apartment, where he thinks it is his home.

He was having such a long journey. He should had been taking the bus but he decided to walk, he passed through every stops, starting from the east side of the city to the west. It was longer than he expected, yet he enjoyed it. He looked into every detail in the street, where he left his footprints on the map he had imagined. From the tiny bubble lights for the home essentials, to the dimming yellow sparkle from the street lamps. From the oldest abandoned area with toxic waste and bad smelling clothes that once were filled with sweat from the workers, to the newest noble black Nissan Skyline parked near to the fire red Mercedes-Benz AMG with modified wheels and whole new exhausts. From the helpless elders walking and sitting slowly, to the ambitious cold-blooded young generations passing through like any king or queen. From impatient expressions with this woman, to the emptiness inside the man's eyes. From any beautiful designs you can easy see outside the wall of each building, to the dirty and hidden corners between buildings and streets.

He stood and thought for a while, and he tried to remember every scene he once loved, it is now a trash. So he went passed to look for another.

And now, he is still standing by his home. With thirty families under his feet, he can feel himself walking on the air every time he think of that.

The front door is quite dusty, although it is new. And by standing right there, he saw his own shadow printed clearly on the dusty door, that is exactly the same size and shape to himself. So he looked back, it was just the sunlight shining from somewhere. For the moment he turned back, the shape was already changed slightly. 

Before that moment, everything wasn't in any shape yet. 

It was the best days, when flowers and trees sang.
Sitting beside the sea and they wave at you.
You never thought about tomorrow.
By that, you could never imagine today.
Day by day, week by week
It just not going to stop...


Lox stepped inside his home. He wanted to sit and relax, maybe he wanted to take a shower and make himself good with a cold drink. All in his mind now is the greatest waterfall that run through him, every part of his body goes with the water onto the ground, every dust and trouble he once had is now washing away. With his eyes closing, he could see the world much clearer than anything. He could feel the whole world in that moment again, and then he will have the word "reborn" in his mind. It is the most beautiful word he could imagine, and the most suitable word he could think of.


... Even the greatest landscape is falling apart, 
nothing beautiful can last forever.
You are standing at the edge of your own world,
you can see, but you can't step in.
A goldfish inside the aquarium stood by the ocean,
he could always picture his universe...


But Lox is still standing, looking around the interior design he once addicted into. Every piece of furniture are joining together in a perfect harmony, perfect combination, in perfect place. Anytime you be there, you will feel yourself living in the IKEA magazine, or maybe better. That kind of creativity and the smart use of spacing, it is just another collection of clever arts Lox has. People admire what he does to his home, they see him working so hard to earn every piece of essentials or decorations. It is a perfect home for anyone, you got everything you need, you don't even need to go out. 


... My bloody-red sofa is guarding the expensive set of stereos and TV sets.
My old piano facing the window like a slave, it doesn't work anymore.
Funny images and arts never stop trying to make our lives colorful,
even though they are never important.
Photos showing happy memories,
tears hidden in the back.
Every piece of furniture is at the right place, like solving the puzzle.
It is what a home should be like, at least this is what you have heard.
I say, I am more pathetic than where I am living...


And he stops in front of the photo. It was his favorite picture. It captured the greatest moment in his life, with his best laugh, his comfort and all his hope. He made a special frame for this particular picture, with all his energy, knowledge and concentration. It shall define beauty and love. 


Deep inside Lox's eyes is only this picture. It is still hanged at the most important place in this house, in perfect state. Yet he couldn't associate any words related to beauty or love, even not a single positive word. It only recalls the shadow he saws outside his home, it only last for one moment, and it blinds him. Actually, it is powerful enough to blind anyone in anytime.


... And I saw the light.
I wanted to look deeper inside, like how I once looked into the darkness.
Like the moth catches the fire, let your dream kills you.
It was too bright, and I started to got a bit dizzy and blinded, but I kept trying.


The light comes form the outside of the window, so I walked closer.
Suddenly I felt the warmth of the light, it has the smell of the summer and also the sea water. 
then the thin air touched me gently as I opened the window and let the light shine all over me.
I closed my eyes, and I could see freedom, I could see release. 
They were not appeared as any form, but I knew I could see them.
I was pursuing for my whole life, and now I am finally satisfied.
The goldfish swims towards the ocean, swims to the universe he longed for.
For that perfect moment, when you live inside your world, nothing really matter.
It just stays forever...


An old piano is waving at the opened window, no one's home.

Lantau Trail Adventure II

Welcome gentlemen, as you could see from the right, this is a sign of the Lantau Trial. Of course, it is located in Lantau Island, a total 70 km long circuit that starts and ends in Mui Wo. Another langweilig trail that starts with the sideway of the highway, why is that? I think you have to look stupid first and show everyone in the vehicles that you, a foolish gesund people, is planning to hike. Anyhow, this is the track you could walk through the famous Lantau Peak (鳳凰山), over 900 meters of height.

So I planned to visit it on a Saturday afternoon, as I felt boring when I woke up with nothing to do. I looked for the earliest ferry I could catch, and went there unarmed, under the foggy and uncertain weather. It was half past one after I stepped out from the superstore with my bag full of water, juice and food. If you were driving along to Mui Wo and saw one man wearing a pair of blue sport shoes, short light brown trousers, short white T-shirt and a small stupid-looking green bag, that would be me. At last I finished 3 stages before everything got really dark.

That was the greatest journey I've ever been to alone. It was absolutely fabulous. Due to the weather was cool and the air was so wet, I went through layers and layers of clouds and fogs. Each dreams I could get through, total silence I could experienced, I could even listen to my own words inside my heart. I should be scared to explore alone, but I wasn't. Sadly though, I am not going to talk about this here. Sorry mates. I am just going to share the second journey that I went back with my dad. It was exactly the same path, exactly one week later. But with our bags full of equipments and a camp, we decided to stayed there a night.

Sunset

That was a night extremely cold, extremely uncomfortable inside the camp. You have to cook, to sit, to sleep between each shape rocks. Our backs hurt, our bodies starved, our temperature went down. But when we finally saw the scene, nothing really matters. Das ist superb!

Sunrise

Danke, auf wiedersehen!

I have to post the first journey with my photos and especially videos to you, just let me prepare! Hope you will enjoy as much as I do.

The nature of the blog

It is the blog philosophy we created on Friday night, another trip to the Ping Chao for me in this couple of month. I thought it could be raining any time as the cloud got thicker over the evening, the sky and the dawn of the sun with a ruined heart, empty body. Everything combined so peaceful yet powerful that created the scene I saw outside the City Hall library, that is only a grey sky people usually see.

Then I tried to look over the piers and use my imagination and memories to count, which one goes to where. Since now Friday night becomes a shit for me (Please don't ask), I wanted to go outdoor, out of the city, out to the island. Where quiet is possible, where thinking is possible, where facing yourself is possible, where putting yourself a bad mood is possible, where releasing is possible, where commit suicide is also possible. So if you are in my situation, there is only one choice you can make over the 9 piers. I went aboard to the second journey, same destination, same Friday night, almost the same weather, and I was wonder if I was in the same ferry, with all the same passengers, or even I couldn't remember if I sat on the same seat, in the same hopeless mood.

And you looked over the sea and saw another ferry flying with yours in the same direction, that could be another hundred of same people. Then you turned around and looked at how far you've left the city, you could imagine why the ferries have to rush so quickly. As hundreds and hundreds of people suffered from the life in this crowd damned city, that they have to escape and suck in enough giant, deep breath of fresh air, in order to keep them alive again. This city has already inflected by the Disease of Dullness, or maybe Robo-flu, Rules-fever, Regular-ache. We all have to run like hell unless we want one.

In the front, Ping Chao, became a safe-house that has not yet being inflected.
In the cabin, we, became the intruders that shouldn't visit there.
People there were suppose to go home.

Then you got off outside the cursed area, looking at the sky that was already dark. You saw different layers of black or dark-blue colors, and you could determine that it won't be raining at all. The grey clouds were turning already to black clouds, but it became so thin that you could look through to the sky, you could just feel it. Everywhere this time was eventually becoming whole new fresh to me again, but this time I could see things more clearly.

You walked alongside the three-floors-buildings, you looked through each window and saw a family. A warm sweet home, no luxury, no cars, but different colors of their light bulbs combined into the scene in front of your eyes. You said how wonderful light is. You heard you could never draw it down. You thought you could never catch it. You knew you could never remember it.

Through the long silent walkway, you've never been there before. You could sometimes see people walking towards you or passing you, but you couldn't see their faces, it's just that you have short-sighted. You could feel the wind and air touching you all the way, sometimes gently pushing you forward to the small pier they want you to go, sometimes stronger that could mess your hair up or even got you a bit cool. You could see dogs running to somewhere, came out from no where. You could hear cows inside the trees moaning, maybe they were hungry, or we interrupted their dreams.

You sat down in the tip of the little pier, in front of you was the 180-degree of sea view. Behind you was the narrow road you came, and that someone might occasionally came without sound, they might have killed you from behind! So you sometimes looked back, and you'll see a low mountain behind, and a place looked like being abandoned. Like you. Like you being abandoned by the society, the group of the classmates around you, being dumped by the basketball as well. You looked back and you see the reason you worked hard, why you went back hiking, why you made yourself so black and tired, why you went outdoor, why you start biking on roads and highways, why you do extreme sports and won't stops. By that you can empty your mind, you can be not alone, you can release. And after that, you will be exhausted and dirty, and that is when you will love home for the first time of the week.

Half an hour before you have to go back to catch the last ferry back to the damned central.
Or you might need to wait until 3 at midnight to catch the first ferry on the next day. You will be killed. Scientist say that you will die 10 times if you lost the ferry. Here I thought of 10 ways I might get murdered.


1. Being stabbed from behind
2. Being thrown to the sea
3. Being choked to death with M&M
4. Being eaten by dogs
5. Being locked inside the abandoned industry and scared to death
6. Losing a fight with a group of local teenagers
7. Suffering from storm, wind and rain
8. Starving and thirst
9. You would just found me missing in the newspaper
10. Most scary, being killed by one look


You looked at the sea and you faced your life. You thought of your blog and how much you've been walk through your life with it. It is your mind, you observe and concluded, it is just adventures and sadness.

Just look back to the first articles and come back here, and you see differences. It is not how your language improves, it is just the confident inside your writings. It is all because you have always written your life down, sometimes you have to force yourself to step further. At the end, you can do it.

Same apply for your emotion and the ways of thinking.

I started to writing tragedies for a long time, maybe it is easier to express. But that I got used to thinking of it, and my life is missing happiness and hope, leaving sadness and conflicts, darkness and confusions. It is even in this article.

This is the nature of the blog, we get to know people by the blog usually, you will know why people get their different personally when they are writing. Because this is what they are used to do, used to think, used to write about. This is one of the writer's world.

Concert Practice

Record of Ravel String Quartet

Lemon Tree

Lemon Tree 

Peter, Paul & Mary

When I was just a lad of ten, my father said to me,

"Come here and take a lesson from the lovely lemon tree."

"Don't put your faith in love, my boy", my father said to me,

"I fear you'll find that love is like the lovely lemon tree."

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

One day beneath the lemon tree, my love and I did lie

A girl so sweet that when she smiled the stars rose in the sky.

We passed that summer lost in love beneath the lemon tree

the music of her laughter hid my father's words from me:

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

One day she left without a word. She took away the sun.

And in the dark she left behind, I knew what she had done.

She'd left me for another, it's a common tale but true.

A sadder man but wiser now I sing these words to you:

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet

but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

[Lyrics from www.EasyLyrics.org]

Basketball theory

When I was young, playing basketball was almost my second life.
It was my dream, my hope of life.
It was sweet, about sweat and release.
It could last forever

Years from that, I started to feel that it wasn't that interesting if you play it seriously. When you are in school team, or if you started training. It was a test of how much you love it. Nevertheless, I have confident that I would keep on loving it, playing it with laugh and tears.

But it dumped me, it doesn't need me any more.

Maybe it is about I have to play the orchestra.
Maybe it is about I have to study music on saturday mornings.
Maybe it is about I have violin lessons.
Maybe it is about I need to study for public examinations.
Maybe it is about I am not good at playing basketball.
Maybe the ball doesn't agree that I am playing it seriously.
Maybe I am not a good player.
Or maybe, I should have never played this game.

After I left school to study music, I don't have mates playing with me. My life with basketball ends. It doesn't need me any more, it follows my other mates away, playing their happy game. No matter how hard I try, I don't have a chance to get back to what my life was. It is not about I don't want to, it is about I can't, I am not able to.

Dumping ends any relationships. This basketball I have on the cupboard, is no longer here for me.

What else dumps you?

A word for life and dream

For dream is just an illusion, while life is reality

Dream is just escaping reality

It is escaping problems

It is telling yourself a lie

It is imagining things better than they are

It is wasting time if you make a long one

It could disappoint you when you know that is not true

It could stress you quite a lot

It could trap you inside its world

It could make you insane

You may be addicted

You may wish it lasts forever

You may write it down to tell others

You may come back and dream about it again

Life is just escaping illusion

It is escaping wills and imagination

It is making yourself difficult

It is looking at things as worse as they could be

It is wasting time if you hate it

It could disappoint you when you know that it doesn't end

It could lead yourself creating illusions

It could grab you out of your dream

It could make you wear mask

You may be crazy

You may wish no one discover your insanity

You may write it down to tell others

You may let go and don't think about it again

What is Life if we are living in the world of dream?

In the universe of pure imagination, simple and innocent

What kind of dream am I in?

In the society of chaos, greed and plots

Should I wake up? and how?

Back to your McLehose

One thing about the MacLehose isn't about its 100 km long trail. It isn't about its name, isn't about any extraordinary great scenes. It isn't about where you are walking or who you are next to. It isn't about the location on the map, or how long you've finished or how difficult your journey is. It is however about release, about going back to where you've been to, where you were once addicted in. When I now think of hiking or camping, adventures or rally, everything outdoor and takes place far away from the city, "MacLehose" is the first word coming out from my mind. It is about the way of life, about sweat and power, about how far you want to take your muscles to. It is about knowing yourself.

Welcome gentlemen, the tour guide today is Tim and the stickman is Shawn

It was only a start, a launch button to me. After years and years not quite using my muscles and energy, I need sometime to get back before we approach the entire MacLehose. So here we are, Island Trail 1/2 (backwards). 

It was a wet day, wet lap. Due to my unprepared clothes, due to myself not getting back my hiking ability... Actually, due to my insufficient experience and bad skill, I was quite tired at first, and I was cold and without enough food and drinks for me to survive. The only great thing in my hand was TicTac.

No matter how great the scene is, it's covered with fog, or I think it is a bad breathe from sky

The second adventure our new touring group went to is Plover Cover Reservoir, somewhere Northeast in the New Territories. 

Wait, let me start again.

The second adventure our new touring group supposed to go is Plover Cover Reservoir, somewhere Northeast in the New Territories. But because CY Leung was noticed to be the next CE, Hong Kong was raining acid, blood and fireball. Some aggressive citizen put on their mask and armed their Mac10 or pistols (Rich ones prefer short guns or M4A1; Crazies prefer AK47 or grenades and so on...), they formed an army and went on the street, turned it to a battlefield. The army then toke over the H.K. Island and Lantau Island, large amount of innocents and injured soldiers went north for protection. Unfortunately the army stroke northward, and sea war happened just on the Plover Cover Reservoir. 

With so much thing happened all of a sudden, we decided to head to northward, starting from Sam A Wan. Then we went through Lai Chi Wo, famous ghost village So Lo Pun, Kok Po San, Fung Hang, and finished at Luk Keng. (See map if you want to understand more...)

Thank you Google Earth (Mac)

It was all the fault of us. We wanted an extra trail from the start (Green) to the second checkpoint. That was a really narrowed road throughout. As you can see the dark green plant is where we went through, our trail.

You can also read the map that we took almost straight to south for some distance, it was downslope in around 60 degrees (they say). I was slipping downward slowly with tiny rocks surrounding and underneath, safely to the juncture where we made our turn to east. As long as we could recognize another small trail (like above one) to south, we could get back to the main trail and continue our journey around the Reservoir. You already knew the answer I suppose.

Three sticks together, at the highest point (Checkpoint 2), mine is still the best. Classic!

Slipping is much faster than walking

This means Goal

Lai Chi Wo

I am still thinking what is he doing

Over this bridge we were arrived to the Ghost Village...

and we saw this

Nevertheless, we went through safely because we followed the instruction maybe

Ambitious Tim aiming ShenZhen

Two others behind the camera were eating eggs

When you go back your life

Across the hell you've been to, and get back to the world you are familiar with. For the second you think that you are okay again, you are lying.
How long does it take to ruin one person? Not long.
How long does it take for one to get back his life? Long.
I do mean VERY long.

One practical tips on music: When you want to bring a real desperate sadness, that is emptiness you have to do. Not much expression you need, for real. No thick or deep bottom sound. No wide, slow or warm vibrato. Just bring death, a dead sound that comes right inside your broken heart. That will do perfectly. It does have one draw back, people won't like it. People don't like real sickness or tasting dead silence, they just enjoy them when they know it's just story and when they are prepared. Other words, Hollywood stuffs.

When you look into the darkness, be warned that it also looks inside you.
I repeated this over and over again while I was walking myself along the sideway in Ping Chao. That moment I really gave my best shot to understand myself and to look for any solution I can do, I was looking deep into the total darkness blinded in front of me. That was the biggest black thing I've ever seen, it was surrounding you, capturing you and dragging you. I was honestly quite afraid and cold, but I couldn't cry or do anything that can help, I just stood there. At night, by no body, at a total strange place.

Choking is the way for Victor to capture people's attention, care and love. What's mine?
I could finally find a place to be comfortable with for one night, at the Paper Street Soup Company. This old friend is exactly how I met last time, last summer or Christmas, I forgot. He is such a self-centered guy, almost nothing could destroy him, as long as he doesn't care. For the second I could recognize this, I found myself doing things entirely on the other side. I am suffering because I won't let anything go. I suffer because I actually caring something.
I am wondering if my insane will let him sees things more clear. If my sickness will let him lives more brighter. If my weakness let him be stronger. If my failure makes him a hero.

God, if You are blessing, why this? And if You are not, what do I have to do? When is it going to stop?
I didn't step in the church for like a whole month. I cleared my statistic and once again started to observe christians around me, from the parents to students, from the family to friends. From the priest with powerful and moving words, to the colleagues with annoying criticism and no responsible. Then I give a little conclusion at this situation. Until now, I could see this religion blinds plenty of us. This could be the biggest lie or comfort to most of us. The easiest way to due with our problems, is just wrapping them on nicely and we can still live with them. A nicer way to look at disaster. A nicer way to judge an ass-hole. Saying anything nicely. Explaining supernatural in the term of Christianity. What is the difference?

What just happened?
It just happened.