Revival of the first hell in 2008

For a year and so, I am back in a point.

For five years and so, I am back in a point.

Let me try to explain myself by the things happened recently. By the beginning of August, things started to go quite a lot crazy than usual. Which then I thought it was a good idea to go out for a bit of inspiration, and went on a week of journey, without my families and most of my friends' knowing. I tried my very best to open my heart, to feel the world with this sort of insecurity. Of course also the most treasurous time with my best buddy, the sincerest talk every night. Then I got shot by serious electric current, came from somebody's eyes... Those were like machine guns from everywhere, until I finally went down and black out...

I had two questions in mind. One is why girls here in Japan are so different from those in Hong Kong and two, why I don't speak any of the Japanese...

Before I woke up, I realized that we had spent all the money. Which put me back in Hong Kong. Immediately I dislike being here, this pace and problems just make me sick. After I landed here, all problems arrived. I didn't feel like being home, or anywhere near it. What I imagined was a battlefield, what I heard was noise. Complicated, impatient, chaos.

Then I said I wanted to get simple.

Then there was a fight.

Then the following days were my busy workloads, sports, and Internet. All of these consumed quite a lot of my energy, but sadly they didn't fill up any of my emptiness. Why would I feel empty? Why I need to forget something in my head? What are they?

Then there were dreams. Blood and hardcore, guns and explosion, bad things which looked normal. inside my dream. All of them were different in any aspect, but I treated them as one, and I could hardly distinguish them from reality. Yes, they all looked absurd and really I could tell they are dreams, but what I am trying to say is, even I woke up, I didn't feel quite alive or feeling safe.

Then there was a reaction. In the film "Snatch", they say there is always a reaction following. In my case, it's quite unusual, but then I knew some new female friends. Reason for that is very simple, I just want to let go. Sometimes I am just too afraid to be alone and what someone to talk to, and I easily get panic because of that.

With all of the pieces above, I see myself a disgusting person. Still, for most of you might have no idea what I am talking about, and some of you don't think it's any big deal. But for me, what I thought I did was making sense and fighting against my dark side. But what I am actually doing is lying to myself, blinding myself not to see the things I hate. 

What I don't want is to hurt anyone. But my lies are hurting people around me.

Ōsaka

24 hours, all by myself in this whole new place. Although I didn't understand any of the words and language of them, my appearance almost fitted inside the locals. The result then was simple, I didn't understand any of it.

If I didn't do this, I won't be able to leave you alone. This is the best time to let you totally free, so you can make a better conclusion. It hurts and I am frightened, so I went to a temple.

For your information, goddess of snake. And even though I am not supposed to, I did all young generation would do. Now I am poor.

Hōkoku Shrine

I really like you a lot, but I don't know what to do

Here is my loneliest, most dangerous, craziest adventure.

If you see me

Second spring of my life. You became the light of mine.

Everyone has his back side story, how things had happened please don't mind.

Though years of time, all of us change.

But I looked through your eye, all remain the same.

Was I stupid? Was I pathetic?

Or was I making up all this to cause myself headache?

I am dark, I am dirty.

But I have a dream so to make myself shiny.

Not brave, still coward,

The result doesn't show any of my hard work.

But the problems of my life I must have to face,

so that I can feel how sunny really taste.

So I can feel the warm and joy,

after my poor life was destroyed.

If being with me is simple and happy,

it is how you like yourself to be, not because of me.

If you feel the world is full of dirt and dust,

please remember at least a man with love you can trust.

Like the pile of rocks in the novel Choke,

the heart of these weakers could easily broke.

But this little world we create, could be anything,

if you just read the book.

Many mountains, many trees,

Many flowers attract bees.

Colorful fantasy, dizzy bliss,

I won't dare to even seek.

I am no teacher, nor philosopher,

I am just like anyone else who suffer.

What's important to me,

What's important to you

Fairy will listen the answer at night,

please make the wish and let its bless with you

Happiness

Where should we start?

Hundreds of cottons are hanging up just to keep the grey and heavy layer of atmosphere away from us, for days and days this job is so tiring, so they sweat a lot, and their wall would sometimes collapsed. The conflict we won't see, those sweats we won't appreciate, we take it as a normal phenomena. 

I can see muscles and energy in the sky, between the white and grey. Sadly though, there is no signs of hope up there, no color. When is the last time you look at the color of nature anyway? At the very beginning, we all living under a world of painting and printing. Why are we so amazed by the nature that's so pretty? Why every time we need to capture it down as a memory? We simply forgot we were belonged here.

For the whole week, I am swimming inside my dream. Just like when you finally put yourself on the greatest landscape ever dreamt, surrounded by the tallest woods and big grean leafs. Colors and warm reaching you from every direction. Everything is so clear and brilliant, anywhere gives you energy and one kind of desire. You feel yourself melting to tiny droplets, or a waterfall, so you can become part of them, and create a beautiful and essential sound of nature.

This is basically what I feel to be with Anne, what I liked to be.

(Rare article that describe light and satisfaction)

Lucky star

I was writing a long and cloudy essay again, luckily I have deleted it and give you this.

Thank you, my lucky star

Life

30th June

An early travel to my last day of servicing, then we put an end to this two weeks journey. Great opportunity to introduce to you the New Heart Music Ministeries. We praise God and share life-experiences together, by servicing, educating and publishing.

Many thanks to my dear team, looking forward to your next coming.

Few days later, for the first time after eight years, I have this opportunity to see many of my pals from childhood. Delighted to meet you all!

The 3rd shot of this summer is this wonderful month of May.... July! It is much fruitful than I thought, much harder than I thought, and have much more excitement than I thought. It's my pleasure to be one of the team members. Everyone who knows me, would definitely say that he doesn't know anything about popular sings, or fashion, or anything new... And really, there are always some classical lovers dislike pop music, only I am going a bit too far...

Now the third show coming on, I am totally wrong about pop equals easy and simple. I am a huge rock, being brushed away to deep ocean, and I will come back in tiny white sand.

Mature?

When I get older, whether I like it or not, I spend more time on traffic than ever. Before I know it, I actually spent awfully long time waiting in my life. Doesn't matter if I am waiting for a chance, a time, an event, for a person, or even a machine. For an impatient one to sit down and look for something happen, is actually like telling a little boy to stop fooling around, almost impossible.

A little boy doesn't realize what's inside him that keep pushing him, like having a very bad sleep after a whole day doing extreme sports, the muscles just won't stop. Let's put it on an adult version, fame. Not like money that we can hold it with our hands, fame has its invisible advantage and satisfaction that make us different from others. We can see people honestly admit that they are thirsty for money, but almost no one want to say they pursuit fame unless they are stars. Even so, this word is usually associated with someone big, and ambitious, and to me, it's quite a bad word to describe people.

But my point is we always don't see those we don't want to see, we just lie to ourselves when we've done something we hate. We just look up and go, but we are still doing it.

Like how I used “we” rather “me", I just don't want to see me.

My writing habit

When I try to make myself writing post almost every day, it's amazing to see how I look into things, things that happen so often that I don't normally see. Usually they become the deepest struggle inside me at all time, as I never look things like what they look. I used to be told by that, and everyone does that I am sure, though there isn't any good. Then I also find some habits on my writing, whether I like it or not. See the fact that I seldom describe much about events circling me. The fact that I intensionally changed my writing habit in these few posts, not to put things in front of you, and say you.... or ...yourself. Now I guess that's one step of how I should start facing myself, I am not saying others, it's just me.

For a long enough time, when I am traveling on a trip that is close to Tsuen Wan, or even at some stations and lines on MTR, there's always some misty eyes going around. Once there was that kind of the most important girl in the world, now became a total stranger, even I don't know if she is now still existing. I could only check by adding her in whatsapp temporally, to see her status.

I still remember that once I liked to look at the back when traveling on vehicles like tram, ferry, you know what I mean. Everyone does, right? Regrets, attacca, hopeless, attacca, accept, attacca, smirking. 3rd movement in relative major, others minor.

Another fact is that I write tons of darkness on my post, only if we can weight darkness.

Now I just stay on my life. Anyhow. Time goes, people change. I just know that I didn't die in Sai Kung, means there is something waiting for me. (Tonic PAC)

Looking into a blink of memory

Small white particles landing from far away, deeply in the sky. With street lamps dizzied around the corner of my eyes, the night stays in silent completely black. Just like appearing the first flake of snow, only I've never seen one. The raindrops are so sparkling, to me is just like falling fairies, nicely spinning down in slightly different angles, but never crashes to one another. I try to catch them in my hand, but they simply dance around and settle on my chest, my face, then my nose, my eyes...

This moment would only happens when I really wanted to capture the world, only when I spend my time with that person. For the reason why I absolutely love every piece of these memories, is also the reason why I still believe the earth is a nice place to be. They say you need to praise God for His creations, from the most beautiful and astonishing nature and space, to the smallest lively insects and smells. But then, how many of us actually care about that? How often we really look deep inside His work of art? What I can capture is only these piles of memories, a blink of eye.

Walking through small path alone, surrounded by woods and other creatures, put myself away from any people at least 10 miles away. Like a hero going on adventure, like a man chasing his dream, like a person going for an important thing, like a baby desiring for milk, like someone being dumped.

This is my mind, wishing I can be this hero forever, but also hungry for having the most important thing, I am impatient like a baby, and sometimes feel like stupid.. Everyone would like to know what I am thinking or how am I doing, but then, how am I going to answer?

For this year

I write my life only when I am quite boring. I also write when I get really confused, like how the traffic jams between Western and Central on the high-speed motorway, how people relate to one another, how the sun gets hotter while air conditioner gets colder, how people choose for their love, it's just too complicated to think, we simply accept it rather. 

The evidence of exist is what you have actually left behind. People always write memories inside me, but I could only write on here. My depression kept me writing until the semester started last September, then I met a girl and we went together. After that I didn't write as much, as I didn't want to think that much. My existence dropped vertically.

But that's not the point. The thing is, I saw a lot more than I'd ever thought about throughout these twelve months. 

attacca

how I lost myself in this world completely

attacca

how I do to escape every fact around

attacca

how i accept changes

attacca

how much I hate to face myself

Da cappo

Several times I started writing my post, then stop and think. Is this what I want, to writing myself down on here where everyone can see. I don't even want to clear some of my thoughts. I definitely don't want people to hate me, because of how they might know about me.

This blog can't lie, that's the meaning of it.     (IAC)

Why I have to let everybody know who am I? (HC)

There is always somebody captures me, anyhow. That Someone writes much deeper memories, no matter the appearance, the smell, and the sound, the voice. Usually this is how I distinguish people, and what image they left behind. If the data is more, does that means they are more important to you?

(a tremolo follows, decorated with a diminished seventh hidden in the bass)

(GP)

No matter how bad I became, I am still me.

That day someone dumped me, this day I dump someone.

I hate myself.

Once I wrote posts in other blogger, that collected my dark and black attitude toward life. That was when I totally wanted to hide myself, I didn't want to recognize me.

Now I can't, just don't know why.

(Minor key, long sustained chordal section, resolved with sequences interlocking)

If life is all about a piece of music, then everything will go to tonic most likely. Am I am major key or minor? Which movement am I locating? Which key is now? Which chord? Dynamic? Articulation?..

All alone in the night, but this time, I made all this. I am not saying that I am regret of what I did, but memories brought up tons of confusion to me. A fountain. La Mer by Debussy maybe? 

There is much more that I need to concern now, that is important to me as always. No matter how crazy is my feeling on someone, or how often I miss someone, I must have to face this problem. I have to face loneliness and impatient.

(A sigh)

(Before you know it, the performer has left the stage, lights off)

(No clapping, no sign of breathe, it's midnight, all alone)